The Little Boat Without A Rudder

 Written: April 4, 2007

 How do you go from being a Proverbs 31 woman to a 2 Kings widow?  You go there in the blink of an eye.  One day you have it all.  You are beyond blessed with God’s portion.  You have an amazing loving thoughtful husband.  You have moved into the sweetest little house.  You are blessed to live in the middle of “God’s country”.  Together, you have just opened the business that has been that has been your dream for 10 years.   Your husband is standing beside you as he blesses you and watches your dream come true. 

 You have it all.  Your life is so blessed that you cannot contain your joy.  Your day is balanced between your home and your business.  The man you cherish is happy, content and satisfied… and you are grateful every hour of every day to our Glorious Father in Heaven for giving you a second chance at love, a second chance at happiness.  You have it all, you have figured out that fine balance of what comes first. 

 You bound out of bed with joy at 5AM, as you anticipate your daily appointment with the King.  In the quiet of the morning, you fall to His feet in worship to Him.  You hear His voice, you know His presence, and you feel His hand ordering your every step.  You devour the treasures in His Word that He gives you to bless you, teach you and encourage you.

 You hear the rumblings down the hall.  The man you love stumbles into the kitchen.  Amidst his matted down pillow hair and his puffy eyes, he smiles and wraps his arms around your waist and holds you for just a minute, as he takes his coffee from your hands.  A knowing wink, he turns and trudges down the hall for his appointment with the King.

 Quietness fills the air as you shower and dress, a tiny spritz of his favorite perfume, and your ready for the day.  Breakfast is slowly simmering, a quick make of the bed and a last look around.  You smile…. Yes Lord, thank you for letting me have it all. 

 Together you come to the table, where the man you love blesses the food and the hands that prepared it.  You spend those few moments planning and talking about the day ahead.  He steals just a few minutes to watch the news as you return the kitchen back into order.  You gather your belongings and together you head off to the office.  As he backs the car away from the house… you close your eyes just for a moment and think to your self…  Yes Lord, thank you for letting me have it all.

 Together your workday is prosperous.  The hours are long but invigorating.  Telephone calls, and reports and mail and bills, and more customers.  At the end of the day… You smile and think to yourself, Yes Lord, thank you for letting me have it all.

 A quiet dinner and you snuggle into his arms to relax and watch some silly movie.  His knowing glance and together you scamper down the hall to the bedroom.  You are his passion and he is yours. Beyond contentment, you drift off to sleep in his arms.  Your last dreamy, sleepy thought… Yes Lord, thank you for letting me have it all.

Your days are a joy.  Your husband honors and cherishes you.  Your home is a safe refuge.  Your days are in order.  You are fulfilled.  You are a daughter of the King, a wife and a woman.  Yes Lord, thank you for letting me have it all. 

 And then, one day your entire world is turned upside down and inside out.  You hear the news that your beloved husband is dying; terror and fear rise up in your heart.  In the blink of an eye, you go from being protected to being the protector.  Your days spin out of control as you hear one bad report after another.  The days blur together.  With all your might, you fight for his very life.  You spend your days now bathing and bandaging and feeding and worrying and praying.

 Eight weeks later on that snowy Sunday afternoon, all that you’ve loved, everything that you fought with every ounce of strength you have, everything that you so treasured is gone.  In the blink of an eye, your reason for living, the reason God breathed life into you is gone.  And now you are on your own.  No longer do you have a protector, no longer do you have a provider, no longer is there anyone to treasure you, no longer do you have arms to hold you when terror strikes your heart in the middle of the night.  No longer do you have a reason for that little spritz of perfume.  No longer is there a reason for being.  What you do have is the cold stark reality that you are alone.  And other than God’s undying love for you, there is no one to receive the love you so want to give.

 So completely alone in this world, you embark on this new journey that God has brought you to.  You are set adrift in a little boat, charting waters that you never sailed before.  The waves begin to lap at the side of the boat.  The water is a little turbulent, but still you press forward.  You know that God will keep you safe, regardless of the tears of terror that you weep in the darkness of the night. 

 Little by little the storm strengthens and the waves now are topping your little boat. And still you hang on.  God will take care of me you keep saying to yourself.  But deep down inside, where you don’t think that God can hear, you yell and you scream and you blame Him for all of it. 

 In the raging of the storm, your little boat is tossed to and fro and when you think it can’t get any worse, your little boat nearly capsizes and your rudder is lost.  You are now at the mercy of the torrential storms that never give pause.  You know that you are drowning and there is no one there to hear your cries.  All that you are is gone, all that you had hoped for and worked for and longed for is gone.  But still the storm continues to strengthen.  Your arms are weak from just trying to hold on and not be tossed out of the boat forever.  There are no more tears to shed, there is no more anger, and there is only utter loneliness and total despair.  You have convinced yourself that God has removed His blessing from your life. 

 The storms rage on for months and months.  You are totally alone.  You are totally financially broke.  The daily calls from the creditors only serve to reinforce your total humiliation.  You have nothing, except that tiny bit of hope in His Word that He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Maybe, just maybe God has not abandoned you. 

In the midst of your terror filled nights, you finally give up.  You cry out with all that is in you.  God, please if you love me… rescue me.  God, I’m drowning and I can’t do it on my own.  I’m tired… I’m giving up.  God, I’m too tired to go on… I give it all up to you.  Kill me and cast me away… or reach down and save me Lord… there is nothing left for me here.

 Deep, deep down inside you, you begin to hear Him.  He shows you the last year of your life and you realize that many, many months have passed since that fateful day.  He has broken through your despair and shows you that His hand has been guiding your life through every minute of every day.  You begin to understand that He has allowed you your terror-filled nights, your tear-stained cheeks.  You realize all of the tiny miracles that He has done for you, dozens and dozens of tiny miracles.  You see that He has blessed you so abundantly every day.  During the time that you felt so abandoned and completely alone you realize that He placed you into the refiner’s fire so that He alone could bring you out pure, lacking in nothing.  He has caused you to depend only and totally on Him.  In your brokenness He alone has made you whole again.  In His glory and only through His grace have you been redeemed and made whole. 

 In a year that started with such despair and sadness, there is one truth that has carried me along this amazing journey.  My Redeemer Lives! 

He is the God of truth and righteousness and strength and hope and redemption and perfection. 

He is the foundation of my faith and He is Lord of all that I am and all that I have.  T

he foot of His cross is where I hide when I no longer have the strength to even crawl and it is in His shadow that I bask in His glory. 

He is the God of miracles large and small.  He is the source of my strength.  

In Him I have placed all of my hopes and desires and trust. 

Without Him I have nothing and I am nothing.  He has taken this once semi-lukewarm, oh so complacent, woman and allowed her to experience the depths of despair and loneliness and brokenness and He has restored her to joy and wholeness through His gentle guidance and teaching over-abundant love.

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